it's not a lie, if you believe it ;<3

2007-10-26T04:26:00.000-07:00

hahah,
i learnt today,
that i just think too much(:

i bought my new phone last saturday.

im very happy today,
i think im getting mood swings.
cant wait for weds to be over
then i can do all the things i planned
to do.

And I know that this place
And these walls and this race
Will melt down in one breath
And leave it all behind me

<3

2007-10-16T06:06:00.000-07:00

why must it always happen when im expecting it.

im so afraid for everything,
i can only pray that God will make a way for me.

in any case ,
i just have got to brace myself
for the marks to come,
and hope i ll get through this alive.

today was a really cold day,
raining and all,
what with choir making me so depressed today
for no reason,
it just always does.

should i go to church?

i want to go back and play tennis.
i miss everyone over there,
and hark if i havent deproved!

broke my phone in half,
been without it for a whole week!/:

i sound so negative.

but anyway,
i love my music(:

i cant let go of everything yet,
so i ll just bear with it
and not cry and not fear and not whine
and just take what i deserve.

i still want to go to aussie,
but im still very afraid and worried for everything.

having bad insomnia-
you wouldnt imagine of the things i think of at
night nowadays(:

im trying really really hard not to do the stupid things i used to do last time
when i was super depressed.

but im still veryvery paranoid.
im so scared i fail everything!
i dont want to end up like them!

i miss alot of people too,
and its so lonely here at home,
even when you ve gota dog at your beck and call.

i HATE being an only child,
it would be eons better to have someone to fight with!

<3

2007-09-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

im so super happy these days(:
i think im convinced now,
that i am entirely focused on australia!(:

im studying really quite hard now,
ss was just slightly less than a breeze,
i think i ll either pass fine or just fail.
english was obviously great.
but im super scared for hcl i think im going to fail/:

but im still very happy(:
ilovebeingalive,almostalwaysnow.

i cant wait for oneyearmore!

then i ll be over somewhere else,
doing the things i really really want to do,
with huei!

superconvivial!<3

Lately I'm alright
And lately I'm not scared
I've figured out
That what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air
I don't need to know right now
All I know is I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but say what you mean'cause
I'm caught in suspension

Now,I'm wanting this for sure
And I'll beg for nothing more
I'll plan all day and drive all night
You'll love what's in store
I can't seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here
Say anything, but say what you mean.
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
'cause I'm caught in suspension

It's enough for me to get excited
It's enough for me to feel...woah

Say anything, but say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same

<3

2007-09-17T05:10:00.001-07:00

but im still quite scared.
im scared i wont be able to make it through.
i can push myself,im strong enough,ithink.

but im scared i ll change my mind,
then there wont be much worth living for anymore.
somehow,theres something missing from my life now.

i want all these things and i tell myself ,
i will get everything i want.

but of my past inspirations?
i havent had time to draw for about a month already,
and i used to do it everysingle day.

it used to be my dream you know,
world renowned artist\\designer.

but its all changed,
im becoming more and more like my parents,
and truth is,
im not even sure if this is what i want.

i really want to go to australia and study,
and i really want to do psychology and stuff.
but i dunno,
theres something bothering me,
something miniscule ,
its like a tinny frequency whizzing away at the back of my mind;
"what about your art! theres a way! theres another meaning to everything!"
i used to believe it.
but as i think of how australia will benefit me,
and doing something there that i like as well,
that tinny voice is still there,
trying to tell me something,
however soft it is,and how much more it seems to be getting softer,
it just keeps reminding me,
of all my previous aspirations,
and i cant help not reliving the ecstasy i experienced
when i related to those fantasies once more.

but that voice is so tainted that its becoming unbearably painful,
like a perpetual stain that distracts me from my presently erected goal,
like a thorn in my heart,
and it pricks me when i try to define it.

the supposed future that it's feeding me,
it's all glamour,
glamour & riches & luck & inspiration,
but its so sought after that its depressing to reiterate.

yet the goal i am currently after
is so much more firmly planted down,
so much less absurd,
so much more stable,
and when i compare the two,
its as though im comparing a magic tsunami to a crisp,bright sunflower.
not sure how to depict this,
but anyhow,
for the time being,
im 99 per cent on the stable job,
0.00000000000000000000000000000000000001 percent on the overly preposterous one.
and in between the two?

CONFUSION.

yay!

2007-09-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

im really happy these days(:
im studying very hard,
but mind,no A1s yet/:
but ive improved alot ithink(:

the other day i ate some watercress
and there was this fat gigantic caterpillar
green and black /:
sick!

idont think ive worked so hard since psle,actually(:
very proud of myself.
and i ve gotten over all that depressing shit stuff i used to do previously(:

but im still scared for cca!

not at cca for so long and a concert in november!
/:

i dont miss cca,but its hard not remembering.

im going to exercise a damn lot after exams.
notime now.
swimming everyday!
and egypt & reunions & borders & maybe tennis(:
& maybe church with huei,i hope.

and im starting to sortof like studying,how ironic,
i hated it to the core not very long ago/:

everythings going so quickly,
and im glad that it is, in a way.

and ive never been so motivated before,ithink.

i cant explain this.

cleared my entire room (:

i ve changed alot.

still,ive never been so happy.

Here's a night, and it shines.
And it calls us on and on.
So be here by my side, and watch the stars.
They're ours.
Make a wish or just take charge.
The moment comes get lost and go far.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
We begin, breathe in.
Here's our chance to go for something.
So this is where we win, and take the game.
No blame. There's a neon light inside that shines.
And tearing down the walls in the way.
I think that we've got what it takes, to get this heart start beating again.
So take it all the way.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.
It's cold inside, but deep in the night.
The light is bright enough to save the weakest ones but you're in the running.
Oh don't you give up or fade away.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Whoa, whoa.
So just let go and fall into it.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Deep inside we both know it.
Everything's hanging on this moment.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
Every action makes a reaction.
We'll figure it out and make it happen.
Whoa, whoa.
And our hearts are on The Everglow.
So just let go and fall into it.

career test

2007-09-02T20:13:00.001-07:00

You're a Architect!

The Career Makeover

Brought to you by Tickle

now,;

2007-08-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

i think im getting better
i want to do super well for my eoys
so that i can reassure myslef
that im capable enough to study by myself
im really quite happy today(:
i accomplished so many things

todays probably the hardest ive ever worked since psle!
whee

im really scared he doesnt allow me to go to melb next year though/:
i f i dont go,
i wont think lifes worth it anymore.
i dont even want to think about whether he ll let me or not
and how the hell am i going to ask him!

and if i dont go,huei wont either, i think.

and i want to have my own room and do ANYTHING i want with it,
and i want to be one of the best damn students there.
and i dont want to take art,
im quite sick of the idea.
i dunno why im sick of the idea actually,im so good at it.
and music as well,
i think i ll never want to take music,
because of HAHA choir.
not really lah,
i just dont think i ll be able to take the stress,
and im good in my vocal and musicality only.
actually piano too,but its not really for me,
i cant stand it sometimes.
cant wait for grade 8 to be over!
two weeks!
then chiong eoys to the end!
and i want a laptop/:
but i ll get it next year
because i want an updated more longlasting one.
and a new phone.

ohmy.

tomm going to mug like shit again (:
im happy im finally changing.

and huei too,and ewsy(:
happy for them (:

i like my blog.(:

<3

to miss masticated

2007-08-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

hey miss masticated,
you too,
dont be so emo!
i always see you to be one of
those perpetually stable people with their heads
planted firmly on their shoulders,
and im still sure you are(:
we all have our times in the dumps i guess/:
we are now,but choir needs you too(:
chiong to the end,
love you alotalot,<3
& cheer up too!(:

2007-08-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

justcreatedanotherblog
for fun
i feel like shit now
seriously
studied real hard just now
imsotired now buti donthink i can sleep

i dont know what to say anymore,
i want to get away from home
i want to walk to hueis house now

http://letsmakethismomentacrime.blogspot.com/

im not moving my blog,im just adding another one because i like too many skins and i have so much to say.

i wish people would tag,
it feels so dead here.

i want to runaway now

i wish there was somebody who could help me

i really wish there was someone who could understand

at least.

i want to stand under the rain now but its not raining and its past midnight so i dont think its possible.

2007-08-21T04:55:00.000-07:00

i ve got a goal.

melbourne!

with huei (:

im quite happy these days,

turned fifteen last weds.

super tired though /:

im studying really quite hard for eoys,

i need to get real good grades.

chiong like shit.

sometimes i wish i could just fly away,

i dont know where to.

its hard to be alive here,

doing what im doing.

i miss a lot of things and people and memories,

i wonder what theyre doing

and whether they still remember that im in existence.

and i wonder how many are using me to get what they need.

i wish i could know everything sometimes.

i wish i could do the best job ever,

and do it well.

not like now,ive got the best job

but im doing it badly.

and i really regret not trying harder,

not prioritizing it in first place.

because actually

it isn't.

there are so many more impt things

(actually only one big fat thing lah)

than that and i just dunno how to cope well with everything.

cant stand my mum sometimes,

bigheaded,tactless and temperamental.

i expect it's menopause for her.

huei-dont think you ll ever read this but

i know youre a really great person at heart

and i wont tell a soul your secrets,

and i know you wont mine.

thankyou for everything you ve given me,

i really appreciate it.

cant wait for aussie!(:

xoxo

tomato-you re growing further from me,

i dont really think i understand you sometimes

i miss you a lot

and im sorry i didnt give you your present

but i hope you like the songs

<3

mar!-hey,i havent been talking to you

but you re still great(:

thanks for everything,

xoxo<3

zhing-howve you been,

i know you dont tell me alot of things

and i dont you either

but well you ve still been a fantastic juliet,

and thanks too of course for being there

when i need you most.<3

miss musical- hello,

dont think you ll read this hahah

but im quite scared of you actually (:

you re so serious and everything

but i think you re a very MUSICAL sc,

and melody & musicalism will bring

us to the highest cloud in heaven!(:

loveyoualotalot,<3

miss mad- haha mad woman,

keep up your crap

& dont go off anymore!

congrats on getting a phone all to yourself

after next monday(:

yay then i can sms you all i want.

i know you love me too <3

someonelikeyou-i dont regret what i did,

because you wouldve done it if you were me.

i mean, who wants to be weighed down forever by your

selfish remarks and broken promises?

and thanks for not telling me that

you re glad im older than you

by 7 days.

"jaycheow"?-im sorry.

i know you re a nice person,

if you get what i mean?

i dont mean to be bad

but anyway im really sorry alright,

thank you for telling me what

you told me.if you read this

you should tag yeah.

that's about all, for today.

and chuiyen

, love you to the max!<3

I can't stand to think about

A heart so big it hurts like hell

Oh my God I gave my best

But for three whole years to end like this

Well do you want to fall apart

I can't stop if you cant start

Do you want to fall apart

I could if you can try to fix what I've undone

Cause I hate what I've become

You know me,

Oh you think you do you,

you just dont seem to see

I've been waiting all this time to be

Something I can't define

so let's

Cause a scene

Clap our hands and

stomp our feet or something

Yeah something

I've just got to get myself over me

I could stand to do without

All the people I have left behind

Whats the point in going around

When it's a straight line baby, a straight line down

So lets make a list of who we need

And its not much, if anything

Lets make a list of who we need

And we'll throw it away cause we dont need anyone

No we dont need anyone

You know me,

Oh you think you do you,

you just dont seem to see

I've been waiting all this time to be

Something I can't define

so let'sCause a scene

Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something

Yeah something

I've just got to get myself over me

And I hate what I've become...

You know the night life is just not for me

Cause all you really need are a few good friends

I don't want to go out and be on my own

You know they started something I can't stand

You leave for the city,

well count me out

'Cause all this time is wasted on

Well, everything I've done

You know me,

Oh you think you do you,

you just dont seem to see

I've been waiting all this time to be

Something I can't define so let's

Cause a scene

Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something

Yeah something

I've just got to get myself over me

You know me,

Oh you think you do you,

you just dont seem to see

I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define

So let's cause a scene

Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something

Yeah something

I've just got to get myself over me, yeah, over me, yeah, over me

2007-08-02T04:37:00.000-07:00

im really tired,
of a lot of things.
i miss a lot of you,
but i dont know how to tell you.
not like im trying to act depressed,
or become a wreck all over again,
no,im not ready to let myself collapse again.
ive been trying pretty hard at studying recently,
and its kindof showing.
ive been thinking out a lot of stuff
wondering what would happen if i did
a thing or two.
i dont know what to say.
ive been freaking sickly recently!
diarrhoea a few times a week,
and fever too,and vomiting.
plus a back sprain./:
i must sound really negative.
i think im severely sick or sth,
what with the weird headaches
and heartbeat-skipping
and dizziness,
i think i might die if i werent careful.
didnt go for choir thrice
including today,
sick!
i really hope nobody thinks i pon
because i really felt horrid /:
sometimes i wish me and you and them could just go on a holiday
and disappear for a month.
i think im spouting nonsense,
because i dont feel like myself.
sometimes i feel so out of place everywhere,
like i was never meant to be here.
like im a different object from everything else,
as though i think and move differently from everyone else.
i wish i could talk to someone,
someone who could understand,
because really on the outside i just
try to mould in with everything else,
and i dont know how to be at ease with myself.
im always jean,the one everyone thinks they know.
but its ironical that,even as i state this fact
in black & white,
i cant change myself on the outside.
its like theres this mask stuck on to me
wherever i am,
like im trying to be somebody better than myself,
hiding everything inside.
funny,i always seem to know when someone is lying to me,
or manipulating me.
and its scary that way,
because when i know about that,
i cant do anything about it.
im afraid of a lot of things,
although i dont show it.
and i like being the leader,
because i get lots of self assurance
that i can be in charge
and be organised,
prior to the fact that i cant control myself very well.
i love my hobbies
but i just have no time to finish honing my skills.
if i ever had a whole month set aside for them,
i could guarantee that i would improve by leaps and bounds.
i miss tennis,and i miss the people there,and most of all i miss you.
i dont think you ll ever understand everything about me,
but you re my brother,
and im just stuck to you that way.
i dont know why im saying all this.
there are so many things that i cant explain,
cant deal with,cant tell.

If you could come clean about everything
It would be easy for me
To be sorry
If you could see all the possiblities
We might not still be standing where we started

Oh no
Don't let me go for this
Don't let me go for this

I might be a fool, you might be one too
Maybe we're all that we needed
Two wrongs don't make a right
But I don't care tonight
Maybe we're all that we needed

You could say we were just a big mistake
I think it's worth making
And worth repeating
I would say good things come to those who wait
I would say anything if you'd believe it

Oh no
Don't let me go for this
Don't let me go for this

I might be a fool, you might be one too
Maybe we're all that we needed
Two wrongs don't make a right
But I don't care tonight
Maybe we're all that we needed

Maybe we're perfectly not meant to be
Or more alike than we're willing to see
Maybe we're not meant to not disagree
Maybe we're crazy baby

If you could come clean about everything
It would be easy for me
To be sorry
If you could see all the possiblities
We might not still be standing where we started

Oh no
Don't let me go for this
Don't let me go for this

I might be a fool, you might be one too
Maybe we're all that we needed
Two wrongs don't make a right
But I don't care tonight
Maybe we're all that we needed

I don't care tonight
Maybe we're all that we needed

I don't care tonight
Maybe we're all that we needed

2007-06-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

haha
funny skin!

i <3 choircommo7/08

hope farewell ll go well tomm too.

today already walks in tomorrow
strolling across my heart
carving it in

2007-06-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

At the top comes
the yellows
not like butter,
but a beach
melting into the sun
it feels
like the very top of a layer of fur
feels like flowers
smells lightweight
less bread
and fluffy
spring showers
and tastes like sorbet
which melts on the tongue

deeper in the fur
like spreading your fingers through it
Real Lapis
the forgotten treat after dinner
when you find
chocolate raspberry ice cream
the waves pull back on the shore
mating with the sound
molten metal poured into a mold
and a blanket of clouds
surrounding;

choir<3

2007-05-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

its over isnt it
or at least i hope

i really miss you
how you used to be

maybe
it doesnt seem so bad,who you are now
but its a big difference to me

dont you fucking get it
dont you understand
that this is why
im trying to avoid you so much
present company isnt proving very pleasant either
but id rather cope with that than with you

its so much harder with you
i have to fake a smile
to joke along
to kill my brains just thinking what to talk about with you
the conversational topics can be fit into a tear from my eye

its so awkward
and i dont approve of anything you do
so i dont want to restrain you anymore
you ve got so many better things to do than with me
i could just shake you off and
i think youd be alot happier

and you ve got too many conflicts with the other people i love

its not all about you ,see
when you ve supposedly been dragging me everywhere with you
ive been neglecting the people who love me too
and when im smiling and laughing with you
well actually
im crying and bleeding too
just like tomato does
whenever she looks at you
even

and you make me feel terrible just knowing you,
just thinking of you

i dont know how exactly to explain
but you get the main point,
i hope you do
that its better if i let you go

it ll be better for both of us

im so tired now
you know

i miss you so

but i ve been missing others even more

and i cant ever replace them with just you

you re preventing me from being with them

its either you or them
and obviously

one had to go
and its you

i dont know if it affects you at all,miss
or maybe you hate me now

or maybe you know why im doing this before im even typing out this
spastic piece of shit

i dont know

well

i dont fucking know

im so confused

seriously

this is the most confusing part of my life so far

not only because of you

but

cca,studies,home,extra activities

my mum,esp

my piano too
i think im going to die

you know what?
the first day i didnt go recess with you after syf

i went to find them
and on the way
i looked at the clock tower
and i thought
wouldnt it be nice to sit up there and feel the wind
hear the windchimes chiming
look at the people relaxing
just sit up there
and maybe
actually i was contemplating jumping off from there
so i subconsciously walked in the clock towers direction
then suddenly i was like
omg
what the fuck am i doing
i was really going to do that
and im really scared
what if i really do that?
when one day i aint myself

ive been crying a lot these days
in school at home in public places
and you know i dont usually do that

and
every night i wish i could walk on the highway at night
maybe alone
holding my slippers
once it was with you
now
well
no,duh
i really wonder you know.
do you still wonder about that feeling too?

these days
im just hanging around everywhere
dont know what to do with myself
seriously
im at a loss
i know im capable of achieving much higher standards
but i dont have any motivation
im so confused
i dont even know what options i have in life
i dont have a real dream anymore

the only dreams i have are nightmares

i havent been telling anyone anything for days
there are simply too many things
and
i feel like i d rather be absorbed in my own world than
reveal everything
i find it easier
but ive become very hottempered
and the only happiness i find now is in my music
and my art
but now i dont even have time for that
so what am i going to do
ive been growing apart from everyone
i havent been talking to zhing
not much or
maybe not at all
because
for some very selfish reason
i dont know but
i was there for her all the time when she had all those ***
problems and stuff
and she could tell me everything without stopping
and i really tried to help her
i mean she has been a great friend
but somehow i just dont feel that shes with me at all now
and jasmine too
she seems so weary now
i dont know how to be happy with her
oh
nobody knows
and i dont feel like telling them
havent been at tennis too
mum wants me to quit,
piano tcher too
i HATE school
i hate it
i hate it i hate it i hate it
i havent even got tome to blog and this time im using now is one
where i am not supposed to
i cant smile genuinely anymore
at all

and what can i do

no ones there to help me

im alone

2007-04-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

you tell me that you need me
while i slowly fall apart;

hello love,
can you see beyond this facade
tell me all the lies i never saw beyond this
i dare you to tear this plaster out
decipher its innards
charge me,im guilty;

im turning into wallpaper before your eyes

and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that theyd understand
when everythings meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

my dear,
if words were your weapons,
id surrender

you say hello
inside im screaming i love you

you drive away
from my car crash of a heart

when i was three i thought the world revolved around me

2007-04-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

I AM FROM SNCHOIR
I LOVE SNCHOIR
SNCHOIR PARTICIPATED IN SYF
SYF=SINGAPORE YOUTH FESTIVAL
SYF - SNCHOIR=HARDWORK+SMILES
+SCOLDINGS+EFFORT+LOVE+MUSIC
+8 MONTHS+MISS LIM+MISS LEE+TCHERS
+MISSMELODY(?)=
...
...
...

GOLD

WITH

HONOURS!

GWHGWHGWHGWHGWHGWHGWHGWH

WE ARE THE GOLD WITH HONOURS CHOIR
FROM SNGS
I LOVE SNCHOIR VERY MUCH!
YAY

SYF=240407
4.45PM

NEVER FORGET THIS 10 MINUTES AND ALL WE DID FOR IT .

ILOVESNCHOIR07

hellos<3

2007-04-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

hello,
im trying to start anew

hearts<3

you cant hurt me with the things you do;
i ll pick up dandelions and give them to you
<3

jean